Elvish Horoscope!

Let me make myself clear: I don’t believe in horoscopes nor support any astrology related material! This is just a post about, you know…elvish fun mixed with something else which most people didn’t see it coming.

Instead of following some ludicrous pseudo-science developed by the Babylonians thousands of years ago, when they observed that the seasons and some events related to them repeated each year at the same appointed time and coincidentally the stars always were at the same position when that happened and…..BANG, someone had the “brilliant” idea of connecting the dots (literally) and believing that stars guided everything that happened in Earth, included the birth, personality and future of people. In conclusion: bullshit!

I’m pretty glad Elves are not that stupid. They knew for a certainty that the stars were mere gifts of Varda and they praised them, but you know…the future is yours to take and to make and the personality is yours to mold or let it be molded by others.

To mock how a horoscope would be in an elvish style, check the chart below:

How do I know my Elvish sign?

First of all, you need to know which day you were born according to the elvish calendar. Go here and get your Java Elvish Calendar so you can convert your birth date into the Imladris Reckoning.

Pay attention to one important detail: Were you born AFTER the sunset? If so, check the “after sunset” box at the Java Elvish Calendar, click to convert it and what you get is your day and also the day of the week you were born!

Voilà. The day of the week is what determines which elvish sign is yours!

Mine is Menelya. What about you? Know a little bit more about yourself and the day you were born below:


Valanya (“Valaday”) is the day of the Valar, the Powers. People born in Valanya are intense, powerful, impulsive, organized and determined. Sometimes, they tend to be jealous, self-centered and stubborn.

Beware of: angry dogs, falling objects and people who pretend to be your friends but are not. Eventually, you’re gonna die.


Elenya (“Starday”) is the day of the Stars, the jewels Varda put in the sky. People born in Elenya are efficient, sensitive, creative, compassionate and loyal. Unfortunately, they may be a little bit obsessive, elusive and too dreamy.

Beware of: drunk drivers, lava from volcanos and people who want to put you down by diminishing your creativity. Sadly, in the end, you’re gonna die.


Anarya (“Sunday”) is the day of the Sun, the great fruit of Laurelin who heralded the coming of the Men. People born in Anarya are bright, realistic, curious, knowledgeable and versatile. Also, they may be considered as rebellious, unsociable and moody.

Beware of: food that might make you choke, hitchhikers and people who gossip about you and what you do with life. Anyway, they’ll shut up when you die, and you will.


Isilya (“Moonday”) is the day of the Moon, Telperion’s last flower. People born in Isilya are romantic, harmonious, fair, enthusiastic and protective. Their bad traits include being envious, nervous and wrathful.

Beware of: UFOs, mosquitoes that transmit Malaria and people who play with other’s feelings without showing any regret. But don’t forget that….you’re gonna die!


Aldúya (TwoTreeday) is the day dedicated to the Two Trees, the wondrous Trees of Valinor. People born in Aldúya are brave, civilized, smart, sociable and reliable. Perhaps, they may also be temperamental, tactless and deeply complex.

Beware of: boiling water on your lap, serial killers with chainsaw and people who are not honest and lie all the time. Lies won’t last forever and neither will you….You’re gonna die.


Menelya (“Heavenday, Skyday”) is the day dedicated to the Skies and everything above. People born in Menelya are intellectual, devoted, magnetic, original and idealistic. Unfortunately, they are lazy, introvert and depressive also.

Beware of: politics, lightning bolts and people who want to abuse you and your efforts. Remember: don’t try too hard because…you’re gonna die!

Horoscopes, huh? Full of predictive material with lots of human traits that one way or the other you’ll identify yourself with it.

Now you can play and joke with it elvish style! 😀



Filed under Calendar, Elvish, Folklore, Funny, Quenya, Tengwar

10 responses to “Elvish Horoscope!

  1. Pingback: And the Award goes to…. | quenya101

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  3. Daviyd

    Don’t worry… If you read this you’re still going to die!

  4. Terrific spoof! So much elvish fun!

  5. Pingback: Friday Awesomesauce, Long Weekend Edition

  6. Turns out I was born in the day of the Valar! Cool. Anyway, in the end I’m gonna die hehe.

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