John Ronald Rootytoot Reagan … Tolkien (or something like that)

Gandalf Jackson

As we have already exposed all the known details about his great work the Silly Marillion, today we’re gonna read more about this peculiar author so renowned. Maybe you think you know one thing or two about him (or three or eleven or thirty-six hundred things) but get ready for the unbeknownst knowledge taken from Internet!

Who is Tolkien?

Famous director, author, dictator, actor, politician, biologist and hockey player(as well as frequent mentor to Batman’s younger cousin Manbat), J.R.R.R.A.B.C.D.E.F.X.Y.Z. (John Ronald Rootytoot Reagan Ass-Bitch Chix Don’t Even Frickin’ Xylophone Yurie Zauron) Tolkien is the tolkien_j_r_r-19721214019R.2_png_300x436_q85historian who discovered that the true history of the earth was being covered up by the world’s governments, who did not want the general population to know of the existence of dragons, elves, hobbits, magic, etc, in order to maintain control over their people.

Tolkien’s greatest invention was the fantasy industry. Without his influence online collaborative games would all be about spies or snowboarding or something and goths would have to dress in pastel casuals. But thanks to Tolkien, gamers, goths, hippies, occultists and heavy metal bands have a rich reference-iconography of dark overlords, wizards, orcs, funny lettering, dungeons, bad fashion and awesome films to smoke dope to, allowing contact with the real world to be minimized.


Tolkien was born in 1066 to a hobbit awkwardly named Tolkien’s mom. He was given birth to in a chopshop amid the sprawling grasslands of central New Jersey. A prophecy told of his birth as the fruits of an Inuit and yet another hobbit. His legitimate mother found this odd as she was never married to an Inuit. The prophecy also said that within 5 hours of his birth he would successfully fight for hobbit rights among the population of New Jersey, and he did. A precocious child, he also learned to speak Welsh, Japanese, French, and Klingon within twenty minutes of his birth. He would go on to master the Inuit language, and is personally responsible for forty-seven of their eighty-two words describing snow.

Craving for more? Really? You got a strange taste, mate! It’s ok anyway. Sometimes, we all need to laugh a bit and not take things too seriously. So, the good, the bad and the ugly (jokes) you can find not here, nor here and neither here. It’s right…..there!


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Filed under Funny, History, Silmarillion, The Hobbit, The Lord Of The Rings, Tolkien

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